Why do I feel SHAME?

As a woman, Ive come to realize I feel shame for things that aren't within my control. This post is very personal, but through my experience I've decided if one person can feel less shame, less unworthy, perhaps it is worth it. 

My husband and I have tried to conceive a baby for over a year. We monitored, we charted, I took my temperature every morning, I read blogs, books and medical advice, we also tried the good 'ole "not trying." We knew I may not be able to conceive, but that wasn't going to render us hopeless. 

I'd love to say "not trying" worked as it does for many, but truthfully when I finally became pregnant it was from detailed tracking/monitoring/temperature taking. There was little romantic about the situation....except, in the end it worked. 

In August 2016, we finally (FINALLY) got two little pink lines on the pregnancy test...and two lines on each and every one of the 12 to 15 tests I took after that one. 

I finally felt like a true woman. My body could conceive a child. 

I keep rereading that statement, as I'm currently clench my fist and bracing myself as a painful contraction leaves me dizzy. It's 2 and 1/2 months later. My current reality was shattered. I'm having a miscarriage. 

I found out from an ultrasound. The doctor didn't need to tell me, the deafening silence said it all as she looked at the screen.
My body had no idea. I was still sick 8 hrs a day, and I could smell better than a drug sniffing dog. But the picture showed the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. Our baby had died. Those words hurt more than any contraction could. 

I was sent directly to the lab for blood work. I had remained in a silent shock until I was asked "do you know why your blood is being drawn?" Breaking down into hysterical sobs I responded "They think my baby died in utero." 

Once the tears started I couldn't stop them. I still felt pregnant, how could this be? I text my sister immediately. I needed someone to tell me I could grieve. I needed someone to tell me it was okay to mourn. I look back and realize how ridiculous it was to feel I needed permission. 

The truth is, many people don't even believe it was a true human being inside me. Others, I thought, may believe since I never met my child, how bad could it be? Some even said (at the hospital mind you)  "you're young enough to have more!" Did that mean I shouldn't be so upset? I didn't know how I was allowed to feel. Allowed. That word, along with "permission" made me feel trapped. 

I waited a while to finish this post. I started writing it in the emergency room where I was sent due to possible complications. Perhaps the morphine dulled my emotions enough to write, but once it wore off I couldn't bring myself to explain how I felt. A few months later I told my husband I was so sad from the lack of talk and expression when it comes to miscarriage. Women tend to feel trapped and afraid to reach out for help, or even be told it's okay to grieve. 

We don't want to hear "You can have more!" or "it probably had a severe defect and this was for the best" or "Don't worry, this will pass." I love my baby. I will always love my baby. I may have never held them, but my body nurtured and helped it grow. It wasn't my fault he/she died....it was no ones fault. I shouldn't feel shame. I don't want to be afraid to mourn, or worry I may upset someone else from my own pain. I lost my baby. Meeting the child or not, I would never wish a parent to feel the loss of their baby. But, it happens, and for miscarriages there is too much silence. 

Two weeks ago I endured my second miscarriage mere months after my first. My second child is the reason I am finally posting. I refused to feel as though I failed somehow, that I am somehow less of a woman for having not one, but two miscarriages. I am a complete woman no matter my ability to carry a baby to term. I am a complete woman even if I can never have children of my own. I will not feel ashamed, or feel I failed my family or myself. I will continue on knowing this is life and God's will.

We all mourn differently. I still mourn the loss of my first, and now my second. I cry randomly,  and I sometimes wonder what could have been. The difference since October is now I talk about it. I'm a talker, and I need to vent my fears, frustrations and even anger. I am blessed to now have a group of women who have shared their own experiences with me....and while I knew I was far from alone, I now FEEL less alone in my loss. 

To all women who have lost a child, you aren't alone, you haven't failed, and you are free to mourn in any way you need. 

And if you are a talker, like me, I'm here to listen. I won't tell you it's okay, because it's not. I'll tell you that you are brave and strong and that you now have a little one in heaven forever looking after you and your family.