Why do I feel SHAME?

As a woman, Ive come to realize I feel shame for things that aren't within my control. This post is very personal, but through my experience I've decided if one person can feel less shame, less unworthy, perhaps it is worth it. 

My husband and I have tried to conceive a baby for over a year. We monitored, we charted, I took my temperature every morning, I read blogs, books and medical advice, we also tried the good 'ole "not trying." We knew I may not be able to conceive, but that wasn't going to render us hopeless. 

I'd love to say "not trying" worked as it does for many, but truthfully when I finally became pregnant it was from detailed tracking/monitoring/temperature taking. There was little romantic about the situation....except, in the end it worked. 

In August 2016, we finally (FINALLY) got two little pink lines on the pregnancy test...and two lines on each and every one of the 12 to 15 tests I took after that one. 

I finally felt like a true woman. My body could conceive a child. 

I keep rereading that statement, as I'm currently clench my fist and bracing myself as a painful contraction leaves me dizzy. It's 2 and 1/2 months later. My current reality was shattered. I'm having a miscarriage. 

I found out from an ultrasound. The doctor didn't need to tell me, the deafening silence said it all as she looked at the screen.
My body had no idea. I was still sick 8 hrs a day, and I could smell better than a drug sniffing dog. But the picture showed the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. Our baby had died. Those words hurt more than any contraction could. 

I was sent directly to the lab for blood work. I had remained in a silent shock until I was asked "do you know why your blood is being drawn?" Breaking down into hysterical sobs I responded "They think my baby died in utero." 

Once the tears started I couldn't stop them. I still felt pregnant, how could this be? I text my sister immediately. I needed someone to tell me I could grieve. I needed someone to tell me it was okay to mourn. I look back and realize how ridiculous it was to feel I needed permission. 

The truth is, many people don't even believe it was a true human being inside me. Others, I thought, may believe since I never met my child, how bad could it be? Some even said (at the hospital mind you)  "you're young enough to have more!" Did that mean I shouldn't be so upset? I didn't know how I was allowed to feel. Allowed. That word, along with "permission" made me feel trapped. 

I waited a while to finish this post. I started writing it in the emergency room where I was sent due to possible complications. Perhaps the morphine dulled my emotions enough to write, but once it wore off I couldn't bring myself to explain how I felt. A few months later I told my husband I was so sad from the lack of talk and expression when it comes to miscarriage. Women tend to feel trapped and afraid to reach out for help, or even be told it's okay to grieve. 

We don't want to hear "You can have more!" or "it probably had a severe defect and this was for the best" or "Don't worry, this will pass." I love my baby. I will always love my baby. I may have never held them, but my body nurtured and helped it grow. It wasn't my fault he/she died....it was no ones fault. I shouldn't feel shame. I don't want to be afraid to mourn, or worry I may upset someone else from my own pain. I lost my baby. Meeting the child or not, I would never wish a parent to feel the loss of their baby. But, it happens, and for miscarriages there is too much silence. 

Two weeks ago I endured my second miscarriage mere months after my first. My second child is the reason I am finally posting. I refused to feel as though I failed somehow, that I am somehow less of a woman for having not one, but two miscarriages. I am a complete woman no matter my ability to carry a baby to term. I am a complete woman even if I can never have children of my own. I will not feel ashamed, or feel I failed my family or myself. I will continue on knowing this is life and God's will.

We all mourn differently. I still mourn the loss of my first, and now my second. I cry randomly,  and I sometimes wonder what could have been. The difference since October is now I talk about it. I'm a talker, and I need to vent my fears, frustrations and even anger. I am blessed to now have a group of women who have shared their own experiences with me....and while I knew I was far from alone, I now FEEL less alone in my loss. 

To all women who have lost a child, you aren't alone, you haven't failed, and you are free to mourn in any way you need. 

And if you are a talker, like me, I'm here to listen. I won't tell you it's okay, because it's not. I'll tell you that you are brave and strong and that you now have a little one in heaven forever looking after you and your family. 

I started mowing the lawn yesterday...the start of our several acres. I went around a few times, enjoying the quiet and unique sites of spring around our yard. I don't get to all the areas often, and I realize how very ignorant I am.
"Joe, what are those big clumps of leaves near the trees in the back?"

"A random rhubarb patch"


"Ohhhh...so I shouldn't mow it over....."


I didnt. But this lead me to realize our old country land has a few tricks up its sleeves in the most random places.

The ditch in the front of the house is filled, with not an inch in between, of hundreds of Tiger lilies. If you look close further down you'll find random tulips (I plan to transplant them as they are bicolored beauties).

The area near our firepit and I'm sure in other places have asparagus that will shoot up at will.
Behind one of our old barns we have a plethora of wild grape vines. There is a beautiful lilac growing next to our walnut tree... (come on over when they are ready! Buckets of walnuts...all you can carry!)

We have a vegetable garden. Currently it is growing various types of onions, carrots, spinach, sweet and hot peppers. More will go in later. We don't grow tomatoes or potatoes because my lovely parents in law have enough to feed an army. It would be a waste if we planted them as well...so we stick to what we know we will use and can give to those who enjoy the same vegetables.

This weekend we ordered trees and grape vines. Joe makes wine, so we are slowly going to build up different vines...right now it's Pinot for me and wild red for him!

We will have 4 Magnolia trees, 2 Maple, 2 Oak and 2 Filberts (Hazelnut trees). Still not enough to make a big dent in the property, but it will add some more color. I personally want color everywhere around the land. I even had them dig up a large area of land for wildflowers. What more could I want? Aside from a rose garden. I'm working on it.

As a city type girl, I never appreciated the land as I can now. I never had an opportunity to use it in so many ways. I am so blessed with everything God has given me through my husband.

So a few rounds on the lawnmower and a belt broke and the mower started smoking. So...maybe it isn't all paradise, but it sure is always interesting!

Pyro Pyro

Some days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing out here.

I moved to Iowa, where my husband has a house, and while I thought I'd lived in the Midwest before, some days I feel more lost than ever.

Here is one reason -

We don't have garbage service - meaning, no one comes and picks up our garbage. Yes, my East Coast friends, this is true.

Instead, we have two different "buckets" or trash containers. One is for food related items (onion peel, leftover stuff on a plate, ends of vegetables, egg shells...etc), the other is for anything NOT food related....but can't be metal or glass.

The food bucket is dumped outside.

The bucket of everything else is burned in our burn pile.

The first time I saw this happen, I honestly thought the tree near it was going to go up in flames. It was a bit scary. I've seen people burn leaves in a can before...but not their trash....all the time.

Well, I'm proud to say that after living here for 2 months, I burned trash, by myself, for the first time yesterday.

AND IT WAS FANTASTIC!!!

I had so much fun burning it all. It was so fun I ended up searching the house for more things to burn...found more...burned more... I was actually sad when it came to an end.

So maybe I'm lost sometimes, but the adventures can be very relaxing ;-)

...until the next time I light that pile on fire.... Wheeeeeeeeee....

- PyroMahoney

OH MY GOODNESS...A city girl in a country world

Growing up in NJ, I was surrounded by thousands of people, places to go, more varieties of food so no matter your fancy...you could indulge (NOM NOM!).
Most people have a weird idea NJ is stinky and ugly. We prefer you to think this so it doesn't become more populated - and overpopulated it is. Its beauty is a well kept secret, and it isn't called the Garden State for no reason.
We have gorgeous fields, rives, reservoirs, parks, hunting grounds, fishing spots, great hiking and mountain biking areas. Also, the skiing is pretty great with all the hills! One of my favorite times of year is now...the Fall. Driving the hills in NJ and staring out the window at the hills of thousands of trees with leaves of multiple colors, like a painting waiting for the perfect artist to replicate the beauty.
I grew up in a beautiful little town, Clinton, which is about a mile wide. My childhood was spent walking the main street with old antique stores and little shops. In the summer, every child's favorite pastime was walking across the waterfall in the center of town. On one side was our old Red Mill, and the other holds our small museum. Clinton is a quaint town where kids could walk a mile away at 10 years old with no fear of anything happening. In short, it was the perfect place to grow up. 

Okay, enough with the reminiscing of my "perfect" life in NJ.

After college I moved from state/city to state/city to climb that corporate ladder. I worked in NJ, NY, Baltimore MD, then near Philadelphia, PA. I was normally surrounded by tall buildings, art everywhere, a plethora of items you could shop for within walking distance, and short supply of parking (my parallel parking skills are off the charts..;-). I liked it. I liked my job, my access to various cultures. 


Then, on almost a whim, I moved to Wisconsin. That's a weird story I'll give another time. 

Here is the deal.... I moved to the Midwest thinking "oh, I've been exposed to SO many cultures and different types of people within cities, I should do just FINE!"

I was SO wrong. 

Oh, the job I moved for ended up being wonderful. The open air and small town feel was a highly enjoyable change. This is where the comfort ended. 

It appears I spoke a completely different language than the people I met (the people I now love in such a wonderful way).

"Carly I need to leave to go milk"....

"Go milk?....milk isn't a verb, it's a NOUN."

That was the first of many language issues. They continued with the continued use of phrases such as "that there desk" or "that there car", and the "Good Bye Now". NOW? I figured that was implied by the "Good Bye". I'm leaving. Do I need to reinforce that I'm leaving THIS INSTANT?

I had to learn about milking times, combining corn, different types of chickens, feeding, the different types of hunting and when they start....and so much more.

My wardrobe has changed drastically. I used to wear nice jeans and boots with heels and a classy top. Here, while outdoors, and not in town, I was looked at like a fool.

I learned I was a fool. 

My clothes now are function over fashion. I am continuing to build on this as I have recently moved into the real country on several acres of land. Yup, I'm officially a country girl....

...and honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Hope you enjoy my adventures as I post! 

......- Newly Married and Loving It.